Ice, Ice, baby.
Sick of syrups? High fructose, corn, what have you. If you have your own ice shaver machine, you’re doing yourself the greatest disservice by sticking to the bottle—syrup bottle, that is. It’s a broad-ranged disrespect, from the thousands of cultures that have perfected their shaved ice delicacies to the lack of respect for yourself and your taste buds.
Seriously, the concentrated syrups are an assault to the taste buds. They’re one-dimensional. Pure sugar. Zero nutrition. Void of culture and class. Everyone’s ancestors weep.
Check it out. Here are three recipes to take advantage of the utterly divine ice shaver that is in your possession. Magic is real. Ice, ice, baby.
Strawberry Coconut Surprise
5 cups of ice
½ cup cream of coconut
1 cup frozen strawberries
This recipe is super duper simple. So simple, your children can whip you up a cup unsupervised while you’re binging on the latest Netflix addiction and playing Candy Crush. Yeah. Just do that.
First thing’s first, shave that ice. Get it nice and soft, like the first snow dusting of winter.
Then pour in the cream of coconut. Mix with the ice. Smell it. And mix some more.
Third—bird is the word—scoop the coconut-flavored ice into several glasses, or a tall one befitting a king.
Next, process the frozen strawberries. There shouldn’t be any lumps. *Note: for added sweetness, mix in 2 tablespoons of agave, karo syrup, OR honey.
Nexter, scoop the strawberry mixture on top of the glasses of coconut shaved ice.
Want to kick it up another notch? Add a dusting of cocoa powder to the final product or dark chocolate shavings. The end product: chocolate covered strawberry on a bed of coconut. #Yummers
Roy Rogers Mocktail
5 cups of ice
1 cup of cola
½ cup of cherries
1 dash of grenadine
For the kids and the kids at heart, the cola lovers, and the tweaker Mexican girls.
First, process that ice. Nice and smooth, like a baby’s butt crack.
Second, pour in the cola. Coca Cola, Shasta, RC. It’s all good, so long as it isn’t Pepsi—barf!
Throw in a splash of grenadine. Mix the cola-ice-grenadine mixture and scoop into glasses.
Top each glass off with a few cherries. Traditionally, you only throw in one, but this is America! The land of excess and corporate fascism, apparently.
To take it up 16 notches, skip out on the ice and freeze your cola and process that instead. It will save you from the dangers of H2O dilution. You’re welcome.
Chamango (or Mangoneada)
5 cups of ice
1 cup of mango sorbet
Chamoy (to taste)
(optional) Pico de Gallo powder OR Tajin
For those craving something sweet and spicy and hella tangy, you can’t go wrong with a southern border favorite: the chamango. It’s something between a smoothie and raspado, but today we’re going to transfer the core and essence of this delicacy into a shaved ice variety.
By now, you know the first step. Process the ice.
Add the mango sorbet into the ice and mix.
Then slice the mangos into chunks or slices. Throw the mango into the mixture as well and stir.
Scoop the mixture into glasses. Maybe throw some mango chunks on top for easy access.
Finally, drizzle the chamoy on top. As much as you’d like. With chamoy, there aren’t any rules. It’s spicy and tangy, so keep that in mind when serving. And sprinkle some Pico de Gallo or Tajin for that extra salty heat (optional).
To take it to Super Saiyan 2 levels, alternate layers of mango ice, chamoy, and chile powder. Wowzers.